Broken But Still Beating

Heartbreak. Heart, break.

The heart, the most delicate masterpiece- It beats. It breathes. It breaks. & it keeps beating. Against all odds.

Though I’m not quick to admit it, there’s a romantic in me, & it stems directly from being madly in love with the creator of the universe. I’ve lived a lot of life with Jesus, & I have concluded time & time again that it isn’t possible to be in a relationship with him without tapping into that romantic side because, well, I look at the story he wrote for me. I look at all that he is willing to do for me, all that’s already been done. I feel how passionately & creatively he loves me. God is a romatic. I really believe that. He wants to dance with me & hold me up & be the most important piece in my story. So, naturally, I can’t help but fall head over heels, grab a journal for writing poetry, sing a ballad, & admit that, yes, there is a romantic in me because the author of my heart resides in the same place as my soul. Oh, God, what overwhelming love.

If, then, that is true, this whole universe is nothing but a love story. All of its components: the stars, the planets, the oceans, the people, the hearts, the passion, the pain– are nothing but pieces of the world’s most incredibly, intricately composed love story. & that’s all beautiful. Until pain writes itself into the story.

I’ve chosen to write this not because I’ve overcome all the pain I have experienced but because it persists in my life, & I’ve been asking God to help me understand. Because the more I’ve tried to be distant from hurt, the farther away I’ve pushed heartache, the less I’ve been able to hear from Spirit, & I think that’s because I’ve been thinking of pain in a completely mistaken light. Here is what I have found:

Jesus suffered out of love. God knit himself into a man, sent that man down to Earth, & then, because there is no man on Earth that can escape encountering heartache, felt Jesus suffer through every trial of the world to know you, to know me. If that’s not a romantic gesture, I don’t know what is. If that’s not the most beautifully composed love letter you’ve ever read, read it again.

Then, there’s us. We arrive here, love letter from God attached to the fight of our first breath:

“Molly, my beloved, my family, my heart- I created you this way, & I’ve sent someone for you. I’ve crafted someone to love you. Your heart & my heart have been apart for far too long. It shakes me to the core to know that you, love, can’t know me. That you are far from me. I created you. I know you. & I love you so deeply that I want it to overwhelm your soul, your every fiber, your every step. So, I’ve sent someone to love you radically. To do what no one else can or will do. Jesus is going to love you so much that you, in turn, are going to give your life to knowing him better because you want to, so so desperately you want to. Oh, love, there is nothing more than us- you, spirit, Jesus, & me. It is Jesus’s life’s work to suffer that which you deserve so that I have the space to pour all my love into you. I’m so excited for the two of you to meet. All my love, Father, God, Abah”

& he waits for us to open the letter he wrote. It is our choice to open it. It is our choice to read it. It is our choice to memorize the words, encounter spirit, & understand this radical love. & for most of us, we encounter pain that fuels in us the desire to break the seal. Because the love letter founded on grace, built in love, and furnished by passion is lost on us until we understand how unable we are to suffer alone.

None of us are above pain. No one is less deserving of it. &, goodness, pain is beautiful. Though I am tempted to be harsh and cold to the hurt of my life at first, though I struggle to accept all that I am given at times, it is among the greatest honors to be trusted with pain. It is never pointless. It is never in vain. No, pain creates in us an understanding, an intimacy, with God that otherwise could not be known. & God would not allow us to suffer if he weren’t going to weave it into our souls & allow from us something beautiful to display. It is an honor, truly, to be trusted with pain in this world because it is pain that allows us to write a love letter back.

We have to write back. We have to. Imagine being that in love with someone, imagine needing someone that much, receiving that letter, & never writing back. No, the heartbreak would be too great.

In the same way that the love letter written for us was packed with words backed by actions of passion, love, & understanding, we must do the same. Jesus went through the realm of pain to understanding, & like every successful relationship, the river runs both ways. The creator of the universe experienced everything to understand us. In return, we walk through life, experience an nth of Jesus’s testimony so that our testimony is the opening line to the composition of our response. Oh, to understand even the smallest amount of what Jesus went through to love you. What an incredible honor.

So, heartbreak? Oh, heart, break so that I might understand any part of the love that the trinity washes me in at every breath. Heart, break, so that I may break the seal. Break so that I understand that there’s a point in it all. Break so that I can write back with understanding of all that he did to love a broken heart.

It is easy to understand why we’re worth loving when we feel good about ourselves. It is hardest to understand why we’re worth loving when we know how broken we are. Oh, what an honor to see the state of my heart, know how undeserving I am of love, & be immediately deserving because of the brokenness at the break of a seal on a letter.

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